This weekend, we’re flying to Hollywood. We are booked to perform at the Into the West Oscar Party, sponsored by New Line Cinema’s Official Lord of the Rings Fan Club. We are so psyched.

Unfortunately, I haven’t done nearly as much promotion for the event as I would’ve liked. After five years of promoting day and night, I’m kinda burnt out. Fortunately, our fans aren’t.

So when I got an email last week from Hagar “the Horrible” (he dresses as a Viking at Renaissance Festivals and kinda looks like the comic strip character) saying he wanted my permission to email the TV stations about our Oscar Party gig, I was like, “Hell, yeah! Why didn’t I think of that?”

I didn’t think anymore of it until a camera crew showed up that evening. Jim Swift from KXAN News 36’s “Out On The Porch” segment saw on our website that we were playing that very evening and decided to interview us.

The interview went fantastic and ran this past Sunday. It also got me thinking. Why on this earth does Hagar continually go out of his way to help us? What’s in it for him?

There are many reasons. I hope to go into many of them in future articles. But let me tell ye, it’s not for any financial reward. We don’t pay him a thing. Actually, he won’t even accept money or free CDs. He does it mainly for two reasons.

One, we’ve educated our fans to promote us. Two, and more importantly, it allows him to “pay us back” for the joy we’ve given him.

Hagar isn’t so horrible actually. In fact, he’s a lot like you and me. All we want is recognition for what we do. The biggest reward your fans really hope to receive comes from two emphatic and sincere words: “Thank you!”.

Bard Marc Gunn of the Brobdingnagian Bards has helped 1000’s of musicians make money with their musical groups through the Bards Crier Music Marketing and Promotion Ezine and the Texas Musicians’ Texas Music Biz Tips. Now you can get personal advice by visiting http://www.bardscrier.com for FREE “how-to” music marketing assistance.

No time to visit the site? Subscribe to the BardsCrier.com distributed weekly for Free. Just email subscribe@bardscrier.com

So, you want to learn piano. There are many methods of piano instruction available on the market today. Let’s look at what’s out there.

Method 1 - Note Reading and the Classical Repertoire
Not a bad choice if you love the classics and want to spend your time learning how to note read. This option is what most piano students choose yet I don’t understand why. After all, you might as well throw creativity out the door. You’re playing other people’s music for crying out loud!

Method 2 - Chord Understanding and Improvisation
Here’s where the fun really begins! Learning how to use chords to create your own music is a world apart from note reading and will give you more joy then most any other method. Why? Because you are actively involved in the music making process! Why do you think so many guitar players can just pick up their instrument and play? It’s because the learn chords first. Note reading is not emphasized as much for the guitar player.

So, where can you find this kind of piano instruction? There are many teachers who know how to play using the chord-based approach but can’t teach this method. A teacher should do more than just give you the techniques and send you on your way. A good teacher will help you trust yourself and the music you play and will act as a mentor, guiding you to your desired goals.

Edward Weiss is a pianist/composer and webmaster of Quiescence Music’s online piano lessons. He has been helping students learn how to play piano in the New Age style for over 14 years and works with students in private, in groups, and now over the internet. Stop by now at http://www.quiescencemusic.com/piano_lessons.html for a FREE piano lesson!

Piano lessons provide a great advantage for children schooled at home. Because parents are in charge of their children’s schedule and curriculum, homeschool students can set their own pace and spend more time on music than in the public or private schools. In the public schools young children go to music class about once a week. Not nearly enough time to develop their musical talent, and rarely are they able to learn an instrument such as the piano. This is unfortunate because of the educational benefits of piano lessons for elementary school age children. Homeschool parents, however, can provide all the benefits of piano for their children right in their own home. And there is no reason not to with all the resources available to homeschool parents on the internet.

So gather your homeschool team of friends and discuss this wonderful opportunity. Music is even more fun when you can share it with others. Small groups of children can develop their musical talent using keyboards and ear phones. Today the keyboards available are of good quality and reasonably priced. Create a space in your home and start your own homeschool piano club. Below are five things your children can learn in piano at home.

How to -

1. Set Goals to achieve their music dream;

2. Overcome worries and performance fears;

3. Become more patient with their learning;

4. Be persistent in their lessons; and how to

5. Take responsibility for their success.

These are character traits all children need to reach their dreams. So don’t wait to give your children the gift of music!

For great home piano activities parents can use to help children ages 5 to 11 develop their musical talent, visit Piano Adventure Bears Music Education Resources You’ll find a treasure box filled with piano resources to create an exciting musical adventure for your child - right in your own home! Visit their website and subscribe to their f’ree internet newsletter so you can download f’ree piano sheet music and mp3s of original piano compositions.

These exciting stories, games, piano lessons, and inspirational gifts feature the Piano Adventure Bears, Mrs. Treble Beary and her new piano student, Albeart Littlebud. Young students follow along with Albeart to learn what piano lessons are all about in a fun way that kids readily understand appreciate. Click here to visit PianoAdventureBears.com For a wealth of information about piano lessons, visit tallypiano.com

Streaming Audio and Video has always been available to the large corporate sites and techies. Now you can use inexpensive software to produce your own streaming audio or video just like the professionals with no knowledge of programming required. Lets face it when a person comes to your website what would they rather do listen or read.

Hint - You are trying to get people to listen to your music?

Best of all no special servers, monthly fees or additional costs….

With the web surfer becoming much more “web savvy” than they were a year ago, they are expecting not only information, but an entertaining web experience.

Why Add Streaming Audio or Video to Your Website

*Credibility - Anyone can add some text and graphics however music is a very emotive medium and if your visitors can hear samples then you will find they will have a much more positive response. If done properly you can also generate some good sales if that’s what your wanting.

*Auditory - Statistics show that 30% of surfers are auditory and so if you do not have audio then you are loosing out on a lot of traffic.

* Stickability - Our customers have proven that audio has dramatically increased the time people spend on their site. So many people are now able to get traffic to their websites using Pay Per Click advertising however the next main consideration is keeping them there so you get more from your advertising dollar.

* Current Marketplace - is awash with TV and radio programs so people are already used to the concept and are expecting it on websites. With the average computer being multimedia enabled they almost feel dejected if they can not utilize all the functions.

* The Wow Factor - At present only around 5% of sites utilise any form of streaming media so it creates a wow factor and delivers a lot more word of mouth traffic than any other form of web page functions.

* The Online Population - Streamies, those users who watch or listen to streaming online, represent 44% of all Internet users and 27% of Americans overall. By far, streamies are the most valuable consumer group on the Internet. Streaming media consumers are far more interactive, are more oriented to e-commerce and spend more time online compared with Internet users who don’t stream.” (EdisonMedia Study, Jan. 2001)

You do not need any technical ability. The latest programs are so easy to use that anyone can add streaming audio or video to their website and stand out from the crowd.

Marketeer’s and business people have always known that a well-placed audio stream can increase sales and signups to their products and services. The problem has always been that the average person could not afford the high cost of special servers or programmers to be able to use this technology. This has all changed with Streaming Audio and Video software available on the market today.

Audio’s power comes from its ability to engage more of your visitor’s senses. The more senses you engage, the easier it will be to effectively communicate. Instead of just reading your words and looking at your picture, you can communicate with your voice or music? and the voices of your clients.

Your site has been sending non-verbal messages for years; now it’s time to break free and let it send a message everyone can hear. Adding audio to your website is not only easy to do, it can help you gain the trust of your site’s visitors, thus increasing your conversion rate. So stop wasting your time and money, and start getting the sales you may be missing.

A major role of senior management is to motivate people to reach certain goals. To do that, they must engage their emotions, and the key to their hearts is story. There are two major ways to persuade people.

The first is by using conventional rhetoric, which is what most executives are trained in. It’s an intellectual process, and in the business world it usually consists of a PowerPoint slide presentation in which you say, “Here is our company’s biggest challenge, and here is what we need to do to get ahead.” And you build your case by giving statistics, facts and quotes. But there are two major problems with this approach.

First, the people you’re talking to have their own set of rules, statistics, and life experiences. While you’re trying to persuade them, they are arguing with you in their heads. Second, if you do succeed in persuading them, you’ve done so only on an intellectual basis. That’s not good enough, because people are not inspired to act by reason alone.

The other way to persuade people - and ultimately a much more powerful way - is by uniting an idea with an emotion. The best way to do that is by telling a compelling story. In a story, you not only weave a lot of information into the telling but you also arouse your listener’s emotions and energy. Persuading with a story is hard. Any intelligent person can sit down and make lists.

It takes rationality but little creativity to design an argument using conventional rhetoric. But it demands vivid insight and storytelling skill to present an idea that packs enough emotional power to be memorable. If you can harness imagination and the principles of a well-told story, then you get people rising to their feet amid thunderous applause instead of yawning and ignoring you.

A well crafted story will often be told and re-told many times. How many times does the leader’s powerpoint presentation get shown?

Derek Cheshire is an expert, speaker, consultant and facilitator in the areas of Business Creativity, Innovation and Idea Generation. He is creator of the Innovation Toolkit, and co creator of workshops such as Creating The Difference, Creativity as a Business Tool, Sticky Strategy and The Idea Factory. You can receive regular ideas and updates on Business Creativity and Innovation by visiting http://www.creative4business.co.uk and filling out the simple sign up form.

Today there’s an ever-increasing emphasis on gossip, which is played out in any number of Reality TV shows, in celebrity gossip shows and in the print media (e.g., The National Enquirer sells more than 3 million copies each week).

In company offices, in meetings, on the phone, in emails, in social settings and around the water cooler, people are spending more time talking about someone else - in language that is most often harmful, hurtful, critical, demeaning, and judgmental and outside the presence of the one who is the subject of the conversation.

Whereas, in the past, we might have viewed gossip in the workplace as playful, “idle”, and “just kidding,” gossip today has taken on a tone of abuse, a tone of violence. Gossip, in fact, is a form of personal attack. We also engage in gossip as a way of avoiding personal responsibility for our feelings of frustration, irritation and anger by acting out through gossip and focusing our personal discontent on another.

Gossip is an emotional cancer in the workplace that eats away at the sense of well-being of the individual and the team.

One of the hallmarks of a true “team” is shared values including mutual honesty, trust and respect. Where gossip rears its ugly head, these shared values are nonexistent. In fact, when gossip exists in the workplace, there can be no “team”. The label “team” is meaningless. At best, there is but a “group.”

Contrary to popular opinion, gossip is not benign; it’s not idle; it’s not tame; it’s not “for the fun of it”. It’s certainly not entertainment.

Moreover, gossip in the workplace is not a problem; it is a symptom indicating a lack of well-being in one’s own mind-body-spirit integration. In addition, a workplace culture and environment where gossip flourishes indicates a lack of well-being in the body of the organization.

Gossip is a very real pernicious and insidious form of workplace violence.

The word “violence” is a strong word and a work we commonly associate with physical aggression.

The Random House Dictionary of English points to “violence of speech and distortion.” Thus, while we may wish to consider the way we talk as not being violent, in fact, our words in the context of gossip often lead to hurt, pain and suffering.

In my “Gossip - A Form of Workplace Violence” workshops, I define gossip as “any language that is most often harmful, hurtful, critical, demeaning and judgmental and outside the presence of the one who is the subject or target of the conversation.”

Gandhi used the term “nonviolence” as it refers to our natural state of being loving and compassionate when there is no violence in our heart or in our mind. In fact, gossip is not present, not even possible, when we’re in our natural state of acceptance, compassion and tolerance.

So, when dealing with gossip in the workplace, it’s critical to explore not only the symptom, but also the root cause of this particular aspect of workplace violence.

And, to discover root causes, it’s well to begin with a powerful question: “Why do I choose to gossip?”

One approach to answering this question is to be curious about our history around gossip. If gossiping is part of our character and personality now, there’s a good chance that we have been conditioned to gossip, that gossiping has become part of our wiring which we bring everyday to our workplace.

Exploring our history around gossiping, and reflecting on our past and present need to gossip, at work, at home and at play, we can ask ourselves three questions:

1.What’s my experience as the one who is gossiping?

2.What’s my experience been as the one who has been the target of gossip?, and

3.On a scale of 1-10, to what degree does gossiping take up a greater part of my time and energy?

Honest and responsible responses to these questions can give us some insights into our personal relationship with gossip and about any habits and instincts we may have to gossip.

A second approach to exploring the “Why do I gossip?” question is to look at what gossip gets us in other words, what our motivations for gossiping are.

In other words, “Why am I willingly (consciously or unconsciously) choosing to cause another person harm, hurt, upset, or pain?” The old WIIFM (”What’s in it for me?”) question.

Since no one of us is born gossiping, how is it that some of us develop into individuals who have a desire, need or obsession to engage in a such a violent or toxic behavior like gossip?

The short answer is that each of us grows up with three basic psycho-social needs: the need for control, the need for security and the need for recognition.

The reality is that because many of us feel we’re not in control of our lives, or feel we’re not receiving adequate attention, acknowledgment and recognition, or feel insecure within ourselves, we look outside our self for ways to “feel good” and to “feel better” about life and about our world. While there are many ways to meet these three needs, one of the most blatant and egregious ways we meet these three needs at work is through gossiping.

In other words, by preoccupying ourselves with the life, or activities of another person, by being critical of them, by being judgmental of them, by being dishonest about them, by betraying them, and by putting them down, through the act of gossip, we feel we are lifting ourselves up.

So, when we are experiencing feelings of inferiority, insecurity, deficiency, and lack, or when we are feeling like a “nobody” and have a need to feel like a “somebody,” we often believe we can gain some sense of control, recognition, approval or security by engaging in discussions about others, by gossiping.

So, by asking ourselves, with honesty, sincerity and self-responsibility:

Why do I gossip?
Why, really, do I gossip?
Why, really, really, do I gossip?
Why really, really, really do I gossip?

And

What does gossip get me?
What, really, does gossip get me?
What, really, really, does gossip get me?
What, really, really, really, does gossip get me?

…we can begin to explore the root causes of why we gossip and why we choose to allow the violence of gossip to permeate much of our workplace behavior and why in our workplace we so often gossip in an attempt to feel good about ourselves in some conscious or unconscious way at the expense of harming another.

(c) 2006, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. All rights in all media reserved.

Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D, is co-founder of SpiritHeart, an Atlanta,
GA firm specializing in coaching, counseling and facilitating.
Peter’s expertise focuses on personal, business and relationship
coaching. He is a professional speaker and published author. For
more information about his services, email Peter at
pvajda@spiritheart.net.

Investing in stocks is like taking a risk that you are unsure of. You can study all about the company that you are going to buy stock in and still it is a risk. You can never predict the future, but you can make a great guess. Study the financials of the company and look into how they run their business. Are there statistics up or down? Then look into what is causing that company to have those statistics. A lot of times picking a good stock can come from a gut feeling and you could actually do better than making an educated decision, but this will be out of pure luck. A lot of the professionals recommend that you buy stocks and hold them for many years to come; I think this is because they don’t want to do much work on their part, just buy it and wait. Mutual funds are a more diverse choice rather than stocks because the mutual funds have a collection of many different companies portfolios. Stocks can be quite fun to buy and sell. You might get so into it that you start watching stock channels and newspapers specifically about the stock market. Retirement will come faster than you realize and making a few really smart investments can make those retirement years easy.

What has happened? Have we succumbed to habitual self deceit and deceit with others out of self preservation, fear, lack of confidence or ego? And if so, what damage do we incur in our personal life and business?

Are we truly living in a world that evolves around deceit? It would appear the answer is a resounding yes. Without question it would be extremely difficult to find anyone who has not lied, to themselves or others, almost every day of their life.

I suspect that many, who tell the sales person at the department store “I’ll be back,” with no intention of returning, give little consideration to their behavior of deceit or lying.

If that was only an isolated instant of deceit not much damage would occur. However, lying is pervasive in our culture and as such, works quite well for us, helping us skirt through multiple issues in life and business. It would appear that deceit is fundamental to the human condition and it’s a function that works not just some times but most often. Or does it?

But could we rationalize lying, at one level, as being ok and at another not so ok? Often we hear ourselves in little fibs when we get caught with our hands in the cookie jar to extreme outright intentional exaggeration and lies. As you follow along with some sense of curiosity we can explore innocent deceit as opposed to outright criminal deceit and the implications that manifest in ones life.

Studies show that women lie for different reasons than men. Psychologist Robert S. Feldman, of the University of Massachusetts Amherst, found that women had a higher probability to lie to make a stranger feel good, and men lie most often to make them look good. There have been studies conducted showing men are more prone to lie about their sexual conquests where as women tend to under disclose their sexual experiences. The many lies we engage in may seem somewhat innocent and are not just verbal, but take on forms of nonverbal deception.

Catch me - Catch you:

Here are just a few examples of lying - literally making statements and displaying forms of nonverbal behaviors that is simply not true.

• Making statements during an interview with exaggerations that are highly embellished to influence or support the padded resume.

• I’ll call you right back - never to pick up the phone - (procrastination or lying?)

• How about that phony flashing smile with the statement, that accompanies it, “Have a nice day.”

• The lies that people tell to gain an advantage or to boost a friend’s self-confidence — your very best friend was fired from her job and you told her she didn’t deserve to be fired when, in fact, you knew that her performance reviews were always at the lowest end of the scale.

• The choreography of deceptive skills to lure a potential partner into sexual activities or into a relationship.
  

It appears that lying will continue to be pervasive in our life because it works and helps us in reaping an advantage in social, professional and economic success.

Self deception! - Self damage?

Aldert Vrij, Department of psychology, University of Portsmouth, UK in his work says “people fool themselves - a process which is called self-deception. After failing an examination, students often delude themselves into believing that they could not motivate themselves enough to revise thoroughly for the exam, instead of acknowledging that they do not understand the topic very well.”

Pulling the wool over our eyes has critical ramifications. Let’s put another spin on this concept of lying to ourselves and look at how self-deception creates procrastination.

The mind can distort perception of deceit and trigger procrastination and self damage. Experts agree that procrastination is needlessly putting off, postponing or delaying a timely activity and is a learned behavior. Self-deception in the most innocent form becomes a learned behavior and flows over into all areas of life.

Lies begin to take on a life of there own many time fooling us to believe them as truths and because they work we build on them.

Example: You’re in a retail store admiring a jacket, of which you fall in love with, until you see the price. Knowing that you can’t afford it, you place it back on the rack and as you begin to leave tell the sales person that you’ll be back - the sales person smiles and you’re on your way - knowing full well that was a lie, an innocent lie, but never the less a lie.

In contrast you have a report due first thing in the morning and your boss stops in your office to remind you. You smile, saying the report is finish and it will be on your boss’s desk first thing in the morning. However, that was not the truth, and you’ll be burning the midnight oil because you have put off doing the report for the last week. The next morning you call in sick because you need several more hours to work on the report. Your boss is sympathetic and gives you a pass until the next day.

Lying worked again, supporting your lying and your behavior of procrastination. But self-deception serves to protect your ego and self-esteem to some degree. Think about a time you were rejected for a job or date. The little lie that may have wiggled into your explanation when asked why you were rejected was - I wasn’t interested in this person after all - or the job just didn’t pay enough so I turned it down. The real reason was the person was not interested in you and on the job interview you didn’t qualify - (to protect your ego and self-esteem you lied).

Clients I have worked over the years come to me with deeply embedded fears that are anchored in what they believe are truths about themselves. All of which creates compounded habits of procrastination, lack and limitations in their life - that doesn’t mean that people that have it all together don’t lie. By definition lying is an intentional act. Someone who does not tell the truth by mistake or believes what they are saying; is not lying. A person, who mistakenly believes he/she was shot at while driving there car down the highway, and reports it to the police, has given a false report, but they did not lie.

Political Lies:

Did President Bush deceive the world and the American people with his reasons for invading Iraq? How about John Kerry who also supported the invasion of Iraq - was he lying to the American public too? It appears that they both mistakenly believe that they were telling the truth base on the anecdotal evidence provided them.

In contrast: After the Monica Lewinsky scandal broke President Clinton was ardent in his lying - saying that he never had sex with that women.

Self-Oriented Lies and Other-Oriented Lies:

“Although no gender differences are found in the frequency of lying, it was noted that men and women tend to tell different lies” - Aldert Vrij. Regardless, self-deception in any form - believing one is less than they are - is damaging to the full actualization of a persons true ability and potential in life.

Example: Self-deception (self-oriented lies) that occurs in a person who believes that under any condition that he/she will fail an upcoming exam base on their historical past engage in procrastination and avoiding what is necessary to take the exam which precludes the individual from accomplishing their goal.

Other self-oriented lies many engage in are:

• Concealing information by evading questions from others - in questioning your 14 year old son or daughter if they smoke and they reply with a question - mom/dad do really think that I smoke?

• A spouse conceals her opinion when the husband asks about her sexual satisfaction.

• Many people fear rejection and try often to please others by avoiding giving their opinion on a topic and therefore either out right lie, conceal or evade a situation.

Many irrational fears are fostered from self-deception - bringing on anxieties, hopelessness, anger, lack of confidence and low self-esteem.

The consequences of self-deception and lying may not always be the same. Lying under oath will bring stronger consequences than lying about the number of dates you had this month. Regardless, the real consequence of lying, even though it has worked for you many times, becomes habit forming - many habits that can lead to procrastination and self destruction.

Don L. Price: Author, Sales/Marketing & Positive Change Solution Provider, International Speaker & Mental Fitness Coach http://www.donlprice.com

Invite Don to speak at your next Convention, Meeting or Retreat. Optimize your Power to Succeed with Strategic Performance Marketing/Sales and Success Coaching, for Reaching Higher Performance in Your Personal and Business Life.

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Shame is one of the most insidious and destructive emotions that we experience on a regular basis. It tends to be a corrosive thread that can eat away at our personal power and consume us in its fire over a period of years. For many, it is so embedded in our psyche that we are not even aware of the influence it plays. If you find yourself cringing, blushing, becoming easily flustered or embarrassed, then shame likely plays a major role in your life. It can be debilitating to the point that we withdraw from all optional social contact and even refuse to engage with others unless absolutely forced to. While extreme examples, there are many who suffer in just this manner.

A more subtle variety afflicts many more; it is the nagging shyness and humiliation that we feel just by going about our daily lives, never quite sure why we always feel so self-conscious and vigilant to what we think others are observing, thinking and judging about us, but convinced it has something to do with our basic flaws. While guilt is usually considered to be a fairly appropriate and healthy emotion as well as an instrument of self regulation; shame is generally considered to be its evil step-child, a source of self-loathing and disempowerment.

Maybe the most poignant feelings that accompany shame are the ever-present regret we experience as a result of our misdeeds, both real or imagined, past and present. These are further accompanied by feelings of embarrassment, self-blame and feelings of responsibility for negative circumstances that have befallen yourself or others. There is typically a sense of remorse for thoughts, feelings, or attitudes that were or are negative, uncomplimentary, or non-accepting of yourself or others. We feel compelled to undo or amend the real or perceived wrongs we think we’ve committed; a compulsion driven by an overly developed moral code that tells us we must not choose the “wrong” course of action. Of course, all of our choices tend to feel somewhat less than perfect with this sort of mindset and our ability to feel and act spontaneously is seriously blunted. These forces collude in an all-out assault on our ego and sense of personal power.

The most dramatic manifestation of shame is always in our relationships and interactions with others. These encounters trigger our shameful thoughts, feelings and their accompanying behaviors in a variety of ways. Normal forms of intimacy are frequently quite disturbed or distorted due to the inability of the guilty or shameful person to draw too close for fear of exposure. There is much secrecy associated with shame as if to admit it will make it even more shameful, hence, the shamed person holds back from many potentially intense interpersonal experiences. We often possess a sense of obligation to people-please, help, placate and “fix” others which hinders the development of normal “interdependency” and may foster unhealthy dependency instead. Typically, the shameful person relinquishes their personal power in these inequitable relationships. In what would be normal encounters for others, we often second-guess our actions and responses and feel frustrated and out of control for mishandling situations. If we do happen to have a primary love relationship, there is often a predictable spiral of our relinquishing power and growing increasingly hurt and angry that we have become enmeshed in such a situation. For many, it is a cycle repeated over and over in a series of broken relationships.

Shame and guilt are power draining emotions that derive from some fairly common roots. The emotional components of living in shame and guilt are several and somewhat varied but the list is fairly predictable from person to person. While its origins can be varied, there is general consensus that the shame components are internalized fairly early in the formation of our personality and are frequently associated with early childhood trauma. However, in many cases this trauma is absent and the shame messages may have been introduced through consistent or even periodic shaming messages from parents, teachers or others in authority. Peers can also play an important role in this process as well and can reinforce parental messages by attaching shame binds, or triggers, to normal childhood activities.

Taking Our Power Back

There are a number of self-interventions we can immediately commence to not only get relief from our shame, but to also reinvent ourselves as persons possessing normal healthy pride in ourselves and our accomplishments. It is no small feat and will take effort and commitment, but certainly no more than we expend fending off the fallout from our shameful identity. The following are exercises and tasks that myself and colleagues have used with toward that end:

1) Do a shame inventory. Yes, that’s correct - write it all down! What are the things about you that make you feel ashamed or guilty? These can be traits and attributes as well as actions you have taken. Go back over the events of your life and pull out those things that still cause you to wince in embarrassment when you remember them. Get this stuff down - don’t avoid it any longer - this is your key to freedom and personal power. When you get it all down you get to share it with the trusted person of your choice. This can be priest or therapist, friend or lover. - but be careful here. This is for the purpose of dumping it, or catharsis as it’s called in the professional parlance, but also acceptance for the total package of who you are. It’s important you don’t pick someone who will react or shame you more, or who has a stake in seeing you suffer further. While this task may seem intimidating, it only feels like a huge deal initially. If you find someone authentic and trustworthy, they will likely share with you some of the same or similar feelings and actions they have engaged in. That’s part of the process, joining the human race by connecting with it at a genuine level. You’ll be able to share this stuff with more people as you find that it holds less and less power over you.

2) End or renegotiate any relationships that keep you in a shame bind. No more compromising who or what you are to seek acceptance and love. No more hanging on to that person who won’t reject you if you just “act right” at the expense of authentic intimacy. This is painful at first, but incredibly empowering as you progress and begin to discover what it is you really want and deserve. This renegotiation also includes your biological family; they trained you to a great extent and you will have to re-train yourself not to respond in your usual shame-induced manor, or else keep some serious emotional distance while you find your power.

3) Consciously challenge your false beliefs, old ideas and self-defeating thoughts in real time. Your self-talk is an important element in perpetuating your shame, so are your thoughts and the attitudes you hold about yourself. As you begin to make changes, these “non-productive” ideas will become more apparent, transparent and objectionable to you, enabling you to reject them immediately rather than allowing them to control your behavior. Thoughts and feelings precede behavior so it is important to interrupt the shame process at its source. Your greatest tool here is your self-awareness. Do not let these old negative demons control your thought process any longer. When you detect them, say “get out of here” Do it in a humorous way, not in a judgmental or angry tone, that only reinforces the shame and guilt. The “Third Eye” can be a useful tool to employ. This is assuming the perspective of observer in our own life. We take on a detached view of ourselves as we go about our daily routines taking note of what we do, think and feel as we go. In this mode, we are not judging, just observing. When we see ourselves engaging in self-defeating behaviors, we can just say” well, I’m doing that thing again, isn’t that interesting”. The key is to engage in this role with a critical, yet non-judgmental approach. Doing this will facilitate an ongoing ability to challenge these behaviors as they continue to crop up.

4) Some of us may be so indoctrinated into our own way of thinking, and so unaware of our own behaviors, that we need help to break out of these destructive patterns. A “coach” can be anyone we entrust with the tasks of helping us to initiate a realistic self-appraisal of our coping style and our self-defeating behaviors. We “empower” this person to give us feedback about when we are engaging in shame-based communication and behavior toward others. With this assistance, we begin to be able to self-monitor much more effectively and assume the role of our own coach.

These are only a few suggestions to get started, but they can be extremely “powerful” aids in commencing your new way of relating to both yourself and the world. As you begin to incorporate new awareness, and as they are expressed in new behavior, you may begin to identify other related issues that need to be addressed. If you find that these are major obstacles to your progress, do not hesitate to seek professional assistance or self-help supports to move forward. This is not a straight-line process, although with the foundation you have laid, it will get easier to enlist the help you need on each new leg of the journey. Best wishes to you.

Douglas Frans, Ph.D. Has been a mental health practitioner, educator, lecturer and researcher over a 30 year professional career. His primary clinical work has focused on personal empowerment and compulsive disorders including: addiction and eating disorders. He has worked in private practice settings and also directed mental health, addiction and eating disorder recovery programs. He has practiced primarily from a competency-based perspective. Dr. Frans consults and writes about water quality issues and water filtration as well.

At this point, widowed for about 18 months, I met Hal the night I attended my last “bereavement support group” meeting. I was instantly attracted to his energy. We seemed to have a lot in common, both professionally and emotionally. I gave him my business card with the knowing feeling that he would call, but I had no idea if it would be in a week or a year. I hold a life’s philosophy that things happen when they should.

Hal called about six months later and we had dinner together; everything moved very quickly, too quickly for my comfort, but I felt emotionally safe with him and we connected well on many levels because of all we had in common.

Over this time, the pain of losing my spouse had grown softer and the sweet memories stronger, but I did feel a need to talk to my adult step-daughters. I wanted to know how they felt about my becoming romantically involved again, and to assure them that my new feelings for Hal did not in any way change how I felt about their father, or themselves. As for myself, I didn’t feel disloyal to my late husband, or feel that my new relationship in any way lessened my love for him. My step-daughters not only understood my need to re-create a life that once again embraced a loving, romantic relationship, but encouraged it. Bless their hearts, for they instinctively knew that I wasn’t trying to replace their father or the relationship we had created among ourselves and continued to treasure, that I would simply be adding another dimension to my life.

My late spouse wasn’t retired, so our days had been traditionally structured. Although I have always worked at home, I liked knowing I had “work time” to myself. Hal is retired and since I’m self-employed, we can live our lives spontaneously. The challenge was in my not being able, or even willing, to be as available for Hal as he would have liked. My late spouse’s personality was entirely different from Hal’s, but I found each to be compatible with mine. Hal is much more romantically demonstrative, which I enjoy. However, I don’t compare the two, and so, the difference has not impacted our relationship.

Moving from intellectual concept to emotional reality, overlapping my loving and my grieving, required a giant leap of faith when it came to becoming involved in this new relationship. I was scared. When I met Hal, almost a year and a half into my mourning, I was finally doing “okay.” I had a satisfying career, good and loving friends and family around me, a satisfying balance in my life. I was feeling good, strong and grateful for the joy that my life once again embraced.

No longer did I think sex would be part of my life, and that was fine, as I was putting my creative energies into other aspects of my life. While the idea of perhaps loving someone was always a possibility, intellectually, I knew that if it happened, okay, if not, my life was fully satisfying. Well, this new ‘possibility’ knocked me for a loop; this attraction to Hal was emotional, intellectual, and yes, physical.

Slowly I began to trust and enjoy Hal. Or, perhaps, better said, I began to trust myself again to be emotionally safe in a new relationship and so, I was able to meet him halfway. It’s still scary, but my level of comfort continues to grow, as does out relationship.

Gloria Lintermans is the co-author with Marilyn Stolzman, Ph.D., L.M.F.T. of THE HEALING POWER OF LOVE: Transcending the Loss of a Spouse to New Love, http://www.championpress.com

Los Angeles-based Gloria Lintermans is a former internationally syndicated columnist. Her column appeared in English and Spanish language newspapers across the U.S. from Hawaii to New York, and worldwide from Saudi Arabia to South America.

Lintermans is the author of the enormously successful CHEAP CHIC: A Guide to LA’s Resale Boutiques, the “ultimate guide to recycled fashion,” and forerunner of RETRO CHIC: A Guide to Fabulous Vintage and Designer Resale Shopping in North America & Online (Really Great Books, Los Angeles) and The Newly Divorced Book of Protocol (Barricade Books, New York). A freelance writer, she has also written for national and local magazines.